Today I decided to stop struggling.
Recently I posted a question on Facebook about gratitude. As an intuitive coach and a spiritual guide, this is something I’m supposed to know a bit about. A lot about, in fact. However, it’s time to come clean.
I don’t know #@$#% about gratitude.
I don’t know how to feel gratitude.
And I SUCK at expressing gratitude.
Ok, so maybe I’m being a little melodramatic. Sure, I can make a list of things for which I’m thankful or offer daily affirmations of appreciation. But as soon as the words leave my mouth or hit the paper, my mind rages with dissatisfaction and resentment.
“Why do I not have what I want?” I croon in frustration, my insides boiling inside as if alive with molten lava. And then, the doubts begin. If I’m grateful for what I have now, does that mean I have to accept… THIS? But, but, but, THIS is not what I want!!!
Yes, I am a whiny 5-year-old trapped in an adult body. This fact has not been lost on me. But bear with me.
So, after my inner temper tantrum, the guilt and self-flagellation begins. And I beat myself down into a bloody pulp because I’m not grateful enough. Because I can’t play joy on demand. Because I can’t just FEEL what seems to come naturally and effortlessly to others.
Back to my FB post. I read and read everyone’s responses, and like the good student I am, I began to take copious notes and make lists about what to try next, and what might work better, and what I’ve been doing wrong. And I tossed and turned with dreamless sleep until I woke up this morning and said: I’m. Fucking. Done.
(And for those who don’t know me, I don’t curse that often, so that’s how I knew that the ish had really hit the fan.)
I travel a lot. For personal reasons and for work. For whatever reason, every time I’m on a plane going from east to west, I think about how the plane is chasing daylight. Moving from the dark into light. Slowly, steadily, consistently. Without struggling, it just glides through the air.
Sometimes we catch it, and when we land, we are bathed in the beauty of the sun, returned to a time that, thanks to the incomprehensible laws of physics, hasn’t happened yet, a fresh start to feel the warmth of hope and opportunity of hours still left in the day.
And sometimes we don’t quite make it. The plane lands. They layover begins. Day turns into night as we wait. And we are left to sit in uncomfortable hard-backed chairs, tired, but not feeling that we are worthy enough to take up more than one seat. Hungry, but too proud or too poor to meet our needs with overpriced airport food.
Whether we get to see daylight, or sit in darkness waiting for the next flight, the next chance, there is never a struggle. It just is. It’s just where we are in the process. Sure, we can always try to fly standby, and hope and wish and pray that we might be able to squeeze onto that earlier flight and catch just one hour of dusk. But if you’ve ever tried this you know that sometimes, it’s just not in the cards. The universe has other plans, which do not include a seat on that particular plane for you.
Today, I decided to stop struggling.
I will keep chasing daylight, that’s for sure. But I will sit with the discomfort. I will accept the delays. Hell, I may even splurge for the $14 hamburger, kick my feet up on the chair next to me and indulge my ego every once in a while. But, I am here, all up in it, lost and stuck, yet hopeful and looking for the light.
I invite you to hop along for my new journey.
I’ll even let you have the window seat. 🙂